Basic Relational Needs

This is a list of the basic needs of most men and most women. My hope is that this would create more conversation. Generally, most women and men would be good to go if the following basic relational needs were met.  Many of the needs on this post would be wanted by both men and women, however some fit more specifically. See how this fits for you.


Safe (Secure)                                     Cherished(Important/Valued/Special)

                          Presence and Voice

Heard                            Beautiful                                      
(Listened To, Opinions Valued) (Desired/Wanted)

Presence and Voice –These two core factors speaks to the posture a man must have with his woman. If he is present and uses his voice well, this creates a significant relational foundation for a woman.  A man is present, when he is engaged, connected, aware and open in the relationship. A man’s voice is designed to bring life, connection and communicate the inner workings of his heart to his woman.

Safety speaks to the fact that a woman needs her body and heart to be cared for and protected. Safety usually  is not usually on a man’s radar, so a man must refocus his world to include awareness of safety and security.

Cherished is another word not on most men’s radar. This is a woman’s desire to be the special one, to be highly valued and important, even priceless. There are many ways to communicate that she is important to you.

To be Beautiful is a deep desire for most women, which also creates deep vulnerability. A woman wants to be seen and noticed; not just how she looks, but how she influences her world with both inner and outer beauty.

To be Heard is to be listened to with interest and curiosity. Men normally fail in this when they get Defensive, start to Explain, Accuse or try to Fix it (when this happens, men go D.E.A.F.). A woman often needs you to hear her and not necessarily do anything about it.  Hearing is often all it takes.



Affection  (Sex/Physical Communication/Non-verbals)


 Appreciation                                                                     Respect
(Verbal Affirmation, Words)                             (Believe the Best in Me, That I am a Good Man)

Kindness – a core factor which  would actually take care of most problems. If a woman is kind to her man, we probably wouldn’t need to have this conversation. Kindness goes a long way and sometimes is difficult to do.

Affection – This is about physical aspects of relationship. Men have a strong connection with the physical and non-verbal aspects of life.  Men need to be touched, kissed and hugged regularly to communicate love, acceptance and value. Sex provides these things as well as pleasure, closeness and intimacy. To most men, sex is quite sacred and provides a transcendence not found in any other aspect of life. This is not a small thing to a man and

Appreciation – This is an intentional verbal expression of how you enjoy, want and admire anything with your man.  Often women are good with being verbal, so this should be really easy. However, it is more difficult that you realize. This will take thought and intention on your part, especially if you have spiraled into a negative cycle. Notice all he does, how he has centered his life around providing and who he really is – then say it.

Respect – Usually respect is seen as authoritarian respect, but this perception is way off. The respect a man actually needs is about what you believe about him and is revealed in your posture toward him (which by the way you can never fake).  If you believe he is a boy/ like one of your children or a paycheck or a sex pervert or oblivious or incompetent or ADHD or unreliable or selfish or any number of things a woman may believe about their man, then you will express this with your posture or how you move with him.  If you believe he is a good man, that he has your best interest in mind, he is doing his best, he has a good heart; and then your posture will reflect that as well.

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