Don’t Go D.E.A.F.!

One of the most important needs our woman may have is to be heard and listened to. The way a woman needs to be listened to is to hear what she is saying and be curious about her experience. However, most men can not understand this. Since men communicate in different forms for different reasons, a man becomes befuddled when a woman would say “I just want to be heard, just listen to me!”

Women usually don’t want you to fix it or solve a problem, just listen. In fact, when you start to consider how to fix the problem, soothe her mood or try to deflect blame, you are now thinking about yourself and not her anyway. Here’s a great example:

Men normally fail in this when they get Defensive, start to Explain, Accuse or try to Fix it (when this happens, men go D.E.A.F.). A woman often needs you to hear her and not necessarily do anything about it. Hearing is often all it takes. If she wants you to solve the problem, trust she will ask for that, until then, just listen. If you find yourself getting defensive or explaining, get some help with those insecurities.

Instead of problem solving or getting defensive, be curious. Ask curious questions, like “what is that like for you when that happens?”, “what do you feel like now?” or “what happened next?”. Give supportive observations, like “that must have been difficult.” or “you look like you are doing ok now.”

Stay present with her and listen. Its one of the most loving things you can do.

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